What I learned from the first Fathering Journey
Seven Tuesday evenings, one screen, a small group of men, and a lot of honesty. The first Fathering Journey ended in October, and my heart is still full. Before the memories blur, here is what I learned and want to carry into the next one.
1. The quiet moment is where the work happens.
Each session began with a short input and then something quieter: a guided meditation. I wasn’t sure how it would land. It became the heart of every evening, whether we were meeting the boys our fathers once were, the protectors inside us, or the child we used to be. People had very different experiences, and that was fine. What they shared afterwards went deeper because they had first listened inward.
2. Pairs and groups give different gifts.
In one session I offered the choice between a big circle and pairs. They chose pairs. In a pair, one man speaks and the other only listens. Nobody performs, and nobody waits for a gap. The group round then lets everyone hear what is alive in the circle. I now plan both every time, and I say clearly which is which.
3. Sharing will always overflow, and that is a good sign.
Every check in ran long. I used to see this as a problem. Now I see it as proof that the men wanted to be there. The craft is to name the time out loud, keep a visible timer, and decide beforehand what to trim, so the heart of the evening is protected.
4. Fear, shame and anger are protectors, not enemies.
Some of the men told me they had always seen these emotions as something to control or get rid of. Seeing them as parts of us, each with a message and something it is trying to protect, changed how they met them. It changed how I meet them too.
5. A mixed group works when the questions fit every stage.
Our circle held fathers of older children, fathers of babies, men expecting a child, and men who may become fathers one day. The reflection prompts needed more than one version. Pairing across stages helped a lot: the man about to become a father brings fresh eyes, and the one already in it gets to say out loud what he has stopped noticing.
6. The rhythm of the evenings matters.
Light, medium, heavy, medium, heavy, medium, light. Two heavy sessions need softer ones around them, and a named five minute break is a real pause, not an afterthought.
7. The container is the real gift.
By the sixth week the group had reached a kind of maturity: honest, generous, warm and funny. Nobody wanted it to stop. That is why the Journey leads into a peer run circle that continues without a teacher. The topics matter, but what these men were really looking for was a place to be seen as they are.
What I would do differently
I would plan the continuation of the group earlier, so it doesn’t compete with the closing evening. I would trim my own input to leave more room for silence. And I am still learning to guide meditation, so I will keep practising, because it matters more than I expected.
A small practice for this week
Before you walk through the door after work, stop for one minute. Feet on the ground, one slow breath with a longer exhale. Ask yourself silently: who is arriving home right now, the costume or me? Then go in.
A question to take with you
If you had a place where you could be completely honest about fathering, what would you bring to it?
If this speaks to you, the next Fathering Journey starts on Tuesday, January 12, 2027. Seven evenings online, at 20:00, with ten to twelve other men. Leave your name on the waiting list and we will talk.
Image:Detail of Men of the Docks, George Bellows, 1912. The National Gallery, London. Image via Wikimedia Commons, public domain.